Have you heard Him speak? I have. Quite a few times, actually. Sometimes it is just a small, still voice that guides me with everyday decisions (my conscience). Other times, it is some statement in my brain that comes completely out of context that it had to have come from someplace other than my brain. Finally, there have been a few times in my life where I ask for Him to speak, and He speaks.
The last time He SPOKE came unusually. After reeling from a variety of life’s crazies, I revisited the idea of having a baby.
My first born MIRACULOUSLY happened after years of medical intervention and me saying enough. I am diagnosed with PCOS and a biocorunate uterus. In the spring of 2007 I told my husband I was done trying and we needed to move on and focus on buying a house and then adopting. So we started on down that path and our little miracle came without preparation, with complete surprised and into the arms of parents who spent years preparing and praying for her. Our second child came much more quickly and without any challenges in conception at all.
However, I always thought we would have more children. Growing up, I always wanted 5 children. I grew up in a family of two. I was always very envious of bigger families. Their holidays were more fun. They had cousins to play with and be best friends with. I did not experience this. I wanted this for my children and their children.
So there we were again, after years of trying and I struggled. I wasn’t sure if it was even right for me to pray for another baby. I didn’t know how or what to pray for.
Usually in times when I don’t know what to pray for, I just say “Lord, help me understand and accept your will.” That sort of was my prayer, if you consider yelling out to God, with tears streaming down my face after ugly crying so much I had a headache, saying “SHOW ME!”
After this childish tantrum My bible fell open to Psalm 78. Essentially the Psalm is about how God time and time again saved the Jews. How they asked and He provided. How he provided them with manna and they asked for meat. He gave them meat and they were still dissatisfied.
Those moments when calmness just comes out of nowhere and brings peace and serenity, have you had that happen? That’s what happened to me. I was stopped dead in my tracks. This massive lightbulb came on over my head. The answer could not have been more plain. I prayed and prayed and prayed for a baby. He blessed us with two. I should recognize the blessings in front of me, get on my damned knees in thanks even years later, and not make one more request about children.
This is difficult, yes. So many people look at their life with regrets… Self created regrets. “I should have gotten a college degree.” “I should have taken that job offer.” “I should have saved more money.” It is harder when things are completely out of your control like infertility issues. You can’t exactly regret something completely out of your control and yet you still ache.
I try to do that exercise with the Bible every time I open it. I didn’t used to. A dear friend of mine told me that I should pray before reading it. So I do. I pray for understanding and assistance with the words.
I can’t imagine my life now without the word. How I managed so long without it, and yet still believed, is amazing to me. It was in the bible that I read we are “citizens in heaven” (Philippians 3:20), that God will always always always provide (Matthew 6:25-34), and the importance of yoking yourself with fellow believers (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). These are not things I learned from 12 years of parochial school or going to church every Sunday. These truths were revealed to me in the efforts of opening the book on my own and diving in.
So many times in life I pray for direction. I pray for guidance to know what to do, where to go, how to assist in His will. Still, I look for those large neon directional signs. I don’t often get those but when I do, like when the Bible fell open to Psalm 78, I try to cherish it and hold it close.
“Behold, He struck the rock so that waters gushed out, And streams were overflowing; Can He give bread also? Will He provide meat for His people?” Therefore the LORD heard and was full of wrath; And a fire was kindled against Jacob And anger also mounted against Israel, Because they did not believe in God And did not trust in His salvation. Yet He commanded the clouds above And opened the doors of heaven; He rained down manna upon them to eat And gave them food from heaven. Man did eat the bread of angels; He sent them food in abundance. He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens And by His power He directed the south wind. When He rained meat upon them like the dust, Even winged fowl like the sand of the seas, Then He let them fall in the midst of their camp, Round about their dwellings. So they ate and were well filled, And their desire He gave to them. Before they had satisfied their desire, While their food was in their mouths, The anger of God rose against them And killed some of their stoutest ones, And subdued the choice men of Israel. In spite of all this they still sinned And did not believe in His wonderful works. – Psalms 78:20-32