Two years ago today, almost to the hour of me posting this, was one of the most emotionally brutal days of my life. In dealing with those life blows, it’s super hard to understand how God allows hard things to happen to His people. In my confusion, at the end of the day, I posted this picture on Facebook.

Honestly, it still doesn’t bring me comfort. If I’m going to be honest and authentic like I always write about, I need to walk the talk. Let me say this, sometimes God’s actions don’t make any sense to me. I don’t get why he allows brutal diseases, childhood diseases, starvation, infant deaths, etc. The answer that I’ve always drilled into my brain is that He allows those things for others to reflect His light. If there’s a cripple, her existence allows her caregivers to do God’s work.
I got to be honest though, when you’re in pain, that answer pretty much sucks… And I seriously want to go back in time and slap my old self around for the times I muttered that sentiment. While it may be a true statement, it doesn’t mend a broken heart.

My husband and I are taking a class that centers around a book/study by Andy Stanley called “Starting Point.” The last class ended with us pondering the concept of trusting God. Again let me be honest, BRUTALLY HONEST, here… My view of God is not right. I mean, I believe in him totally and I know of my forever home but the crashing waves of life leave me with feeling like He’s an emotionally absent dad. I see His blessings in my life; in material ways, experiences, and relationships. Yet, I do sometimes feel like a pawn. I feel like a little kid who’s so craving attention from her dad that she will flick his newspaper until he shows her love.

I can’t help but think of something extremely important in this introspection… Just because I need to make right my viewpoint of God, my understanding of His relationship with me, does NOT mean I turn my back on it. So many people, myself included, have turned their back on Him because it didn’t make any sense. People start questioning the entire story, the tribal aspect of Judaism and the grandiose story of this man who changed the world in a virgin birth. They run to places that make them feel good, whether it’s the corner bar or a “religion” that feels nice and fresh and non-threatening.

The only way any of this makes sense to me, is when we start just taking a step back and realizing that we live in a broken world with broken people… And soon we will be in our eternal home.

Anyway, just had a lot of thinks and feels today. My heart is a little heavy and so I do what I do. I write. I did read a most EXCELLENT book on grief and I couldn’t recommend it enough (“Trusting God” by Jerry Bridges). Understand that grief can come from a variety of actions… A death (of course), end of a relationship, a diagnosis, a career change, etc. I may need to go back and read it again to “fix” my warped view of God as a loving father. If I remember correctly, it was after reading that book that I finally started talking to Him again.

“God never pursues His glory at the expense of the good of His people, nor does He ever seek our good at the expense of His glory. He has designed His eternal purpose so that His glory and our good are inextricably bound together.” – “Trusting God” by Jerry Bridges