I have a confession to make, there are things that I’m just not over. There are memories of events that have happened in my life that I have not moved past. There are wounds that are scarred over but not fully healed.
Guess what, I’m human.
Which is good for me to be reminded of or else I will become smug and arrogant in where I am in other areas of my life.
I was reminded of “rejection” a week or so ago. I’m not sure what happened but a memory was triggered of an old friend who had lost a baby shortly after birth. This old friend and I had lost touch and I sensed there may have been a problem but I couldn’t recollect any falling out. College was a busy time, I was newly engaged, and life moved on. Anyway, when her baby died of course I went to the visitation to pay my respects to my friend. There was a long line, as expected in situations like that. As my mom and I were next in line to give our condolences, my friend’s sister turned to my friend (who was sitting down in a church pew to receive people) and said, “Jamie is here.” My friend and her sister left the area to go to a different room.
Talk about a blow to the gut.
I didn’t get to express to my friend how sorry I was, give her a hug or anything. This had solidified any inclination about there being a problem with our friendship. My intuition was correct.
I tried a few more times after that and sent Christmas cards, included my phone number, with no response. I eventually stopped, clearly it was a waste of time.
This is one of a few examples that really hit my heart. The ones that are the most painful are ones that come from family or friends that I considered dear. Broken relationships, all around, hurt badly.
I am a recovering people-pleaser and need to remind myself that my worth should never, ever be based on people’s opinions of me. I’ve also learned that one way to loosen my spiritual grounding is to shake up my emotional state. Nothing separates me more from God than to have false opinions about myself when I have anxiety and sadness about the state of some of my relationships (“you aren’t good enough for them, they talk behind your back, they like so-and-so more than you”).
Part of being a Christ-follower is having fellowship with other people, Christian or not. It makes sense that we are saddened when we are separated from relationship with others.
Making my way through an Acts bible study, I realized that Paul and Barnabas experienced the same (Acts 15:36-41). While it’s not much comfort to know that this experience happens to other people, we see that it does happen and even among some of the first and strongest Christians there ever were.
So, if you are in the same boat as I, if you have friendships that are floating in limbo, take heart. You are not alone.